I by no means wanna be super skinny.. quite frankly i would be ecstatic with a size 12 or 14....unlike the size 26 i wear now(and trust me i wear a 26..i know i have employees at lane bryant want to put me in a 5 instead of a 7or 6 every time i go in there and every time i have to prove to them that i am the size that i am)...
I LOVE my personality i would NEVER EVER want to change that...that what i mean by i will never change who i am...i am ok if someone doesn't like me for my personality i am not ok with someone not likeing me for how i look
ok so i stole a few of those pictures from my friend Erin.... this is me Freshman year of High School... ok so if i would have cared enough to wear a little mascara and maybe straighten my hair and no wore frumpy clothes i was more or less gorgeous... looking back i like the way i look and it was great...however looking back i hate who i was....as Leann may remember i was a horrible friend i was pissed off at the world and basically hated everyone and everything...
and i guess i'm just tired of many things....
i am tired of not doing stuff because i know or think i can't or i'm embarrassed to do them... example everyone went to cedar point in august and i said i didn't wanna go because i don't like roller coasters, truth be known i LOVE LOVE LOVE roller coasters i just know that i can't fit into a lot of them and it would be hella embarrassing to go and not ride anything not to mention waste my money and i didn't tell anyone in youth group because no one would understand....orrrr like we went swimming a few times at Allison's house and everyone was jumping off the diving board..i only did once and thats because brandon made me and i didn't want to do it because i was embarrassed of the big splash i would make
i am also tired of paying more for clothes i don't even like...ok so i KINDA get it that to make plus size clothes you use more fabric BUT paying that much more for it is redicolous! and has anyone noticed that plus size clothes are the uglyest clothes available?? i have a pair of ugg boots that i LOVE LOVE LOVE.... however my calves are to big and they don't fit right! AND so i paid $200 for this tiffany's choker necklace and so it comes in the mail i'm all excited and i put it on and.............my neck is to fat! also so everyone is always like "OMG! i love to go shoe shopping cause shoes always fit!"...no no no shoes never fit! my feet are to fat! and my hands are fat and rings ALWAYS look gross on my fingers and i can never find women's rings that fit! or bracelets for that matter!!!
however i think what is most frustrating is something that i can never fix.... so when i do gain weight i gain a lot at once...and what happens when you gain a lot of weight at one time..well a lot of times your skin cannot keep up and you get stretch marks... so here i am stuck with gross skin for pretty much forever....FML!!!!!
ok well it's 2:30am i need some sleep....i'll post again tomorrow night and tell you about my day and what's on my mind...maybe tell a few more stories and dig out some more pictures...but for now Goodnight everyone:)
I am so sorry that you feel that way. I completely understand what you mean though. Gaining weight it hard enough, but gaining it all at one time makes you feel hopeless about the whole situation. I put on 45 pounds in LESS than three months (and this was BEFORE I got pregnant) due to some medical problems. I'm covered in stretch marks, and sometimes it feels like the weight will never come off. I too, get the same feeling that you do. I think things like "If I were skinny and beautiful..." maybe I would have graduated from school, maybe I would take Ian to the park more often, maybe I would have more friends, maybe I could stop taking anti depressants and just be happy.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a lot of advice, but I just want you to know that I understand, and that I will be praying for you. We all deserve to be comfortable in our own skin.